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My dad’s an accountant and my mum’s a nursery teacher. I so would have walked this show when I was 17.
After we relive Rhys’ long overdue firing, we return to
Apprentice Cardboard Mansions, which has kind of an apocalyptic feel to it this week. Apparently Hibah has completed her Doomsday Device and is powering up for revenge! But before the world is laid waste by her evil machinations, there’s the small business of the Phone Answering Skirmish to attend to, as the phone goes off at a slightly more civil hour this week (6:45am) prompting Tim to
go hurtling down the stairs screaming “I’VE GOT IT! I’VE GOT IT!”. I feel like he’s taken this brief to take on more responsibility a little bit too much to heart. There’s no stopping him now! OUT OF THE WAY WORLD! TIM ANKERS IS ON THE MOVE!
He’s told that Lordalan will meet them all in Greenwich at 8, and that the cars will be there in half an hour. I’m glad that this show has abandoned the pretence that it’s possible to get teenagers out of the house before 7am. It’s a mathematical impossibility far more implausible than anything else going on on the show this week. Tim rushes off to tell everyone, as the show
coins in yet more money from its deal with the manufacturers of hair-straighteners.
Is there no tv in Junior Apprentice Cardboard Mansions? Is this their only means of entertaining themselves? Do they just sit around of an evening gathered round the Zoe, basking in her warm glow and entertaining beauty routine antics? Speaking of which, we are then shown Mme Plummer applying her lippy
whilst jogging down the stairs. If you slip and it goes up your nose, don’t come running to me.
Tim talks some, whilst preening, about how he feels a lot of pressure on himself, because he played the “Make Me Project Manager” card last week and now has to face up to the responsibility of…being Project Manager. The horror.
Everyone piles into their Apprenticars and rather hilariously, in the Revolution Apprenticar, Emma, suddenly all
Dr Seuss angles is telling Arjun and Zoe how it’s obvious that they are a much more cohesive team than Instinct as…Zoe stares out of the window immediately behind her. I think she’s misreading them – they are all pretty cohesive in wanting Rhys dead. Zoe then engages in the conversation to big herself (and the other two, a bit, but mostly her) about how much more secure in themselves Revolution are, and how they would never stab one another in the back, and instead champion each other.
Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo. I’m thinking the only arena in which Arjun would champion Zoe would be in the race to determine first British woman on the moon. And then left there, to teach all the moon-men about fashion.
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Said foreshadowing over with, teams pull up at the David Beckham Football Academy,
where teenage boys are taught how to take bendy free-kicks, wear a sarong, and pad their Calvin Klein y-fronts for photo-shoots. You can’t just stuff a rolled up pair of socks down their these days. People will KNOW! There’s technology and science and everything. In Apprenticar Instinct, Kirsty gets
pretty darned excited because, as anyone who has looked at her audition tape will tell you – she loves football. She loves it so much she decided to talk about it at length instead of business in order to get on an ostensibly business related show. Oooh, I hope this task is a penalty shoot-out. Stick in some gubbins about designing a uniform before hand to please Zoe (you could fill 15 minutes of airtime just with her designing epaulettes I would imagine) but seriously, it’s the only way Instinct are going to win this week. Hannah Cherry strikes me as a shot-stopper.
Everyone files into the stadium, where they are followed by
Lordalan, as well as Nick and Kaen, who is visibly barely restraining herself from talking for the rest of the episode about how she owns a football club and has had many wacky adventures therein, would you like to hear them? Anyway, Lordalan tells them all that the David Beckham Academy is a seething hot-bed of footballing talent, but only a few of them will go on to make it – the rest of them will end up as contestants on future series on the adult show, whining about how their whole life was ruined by a fractured mesawhat’sname. So what better place to launch the art task?
I don’t know, I could think of about 62 myself. Anyway, the teams will be spotting some talent(/trying to work out who has the most fans already and then just picking them) of their own, in the field of art. Zoe’s face
lights up to a scary degree at this news. I don’t think you’re allowed to submit your own works Zoe. Tim is less pleased, as his neck-hair forms the shape of an
angry tornado. TWO ARTISTS, blahdy, art show, poncy blahdy airy fairy pretentious blahdy, I don’t know nuffing about art myself blahddy buggery Van Gogh, sell money arty money, blahdy boardroom blahdy Picasso? load of old TUT, blahdy YOU CALL THAT ART, barrow bow blahdy barrow boy I LIKE PICTURES THAT LOOK LIKE THE THING WHAT THEY’RE OF! blahddy lose, blahddy fired blahddy.
We’re reminded that Tim is going to be Project Manager for Instinct :
although I would imagine they edited out a bit where he claimed to have had his fingers crossed, and on those crossed fingers he’d written “offer is void if for a flipping art task, I thought we were due Shopping Channel or the holidays task or something”. He then decides that Emma is going to be Project Manager (/Zoe-Wrangler) for Revolution after she pushed so hard for the role last week.
Teams stalk off through the corridors of the David Beckham Football Academy
off on their mission to select two artists to represent and Lordalan drives off in AMS1 waffling on about how this is not a normal sales task, because you either like the art or you don’t, and coo, won’t Tim be out of his comfort zone and blah blah blah hurry up with the task. It’s always much more entertaining watching Saira Khan asking people what their favourite colour is, or watching Simon Ambrose trying to seduce middle-aged men into buying his wares than hearing your prejudices about art for the billionth time LORDALAN.
As if to confirm his prejudices, both Kirsty and Tim are rushing as hard as possible to distance themselves from the world of art as fast as possible, whilst Hannah Cherry settles herself into her role for the task :
taking notes. Although in parallel,
so does Nick. Tim goes on some more about how stupid and pointless art is, as indeed is the “arty farty world”, ‘as he calls it’ (what an iconoclast!). He does tells Kirsty to make sure that she goes in to the art negotiations with a positive attitude, and to ######## like she likes the art, even if she doesn’t (what a Machiavellian tactician!).
Helpful voice-over man informs that there are 6 artists (5 artists and some nutter), 4 hours, and 2 decisions that need to be made, so the team is going to have to split up to get all the ground covered. Tim asks his girls who thinks they’d be best on their own, and Hannah Cherry nominates Kirsty, because she managed so well on her in the last task (I mean, notionally Rhys was physically present but…yeah, on her own) and also Tim looked like he might give her a proper big hug at some point if she hangs around him long enough, so yeah, Kirsty should definitely go on her own.
Kirsty agrees, and says she’ll write down as many descriptive words as possible (I would imagine in the end they were mostly of the four letter variety). Hannah then suggests that Kirsty score the art-works out of 10 and maybe draw a little picture of them, and Nick I think
speaks for us all via the medium of his face. I think they should just send Kirsty off to the Tate Modern with a bunch of number stickers and see what happens.
Meanwhile, over on Revolution, Zoe is already waxing lyrical about how her parents are art teachers and “freelance artists” and that she herself has been going to exhibitions for a really early age, and Kaen is already
dribbling on herself a little bless her. Emma seizes on this as the perfect opportunity to tell her that she can go and be on her own all day then, because clearly she is so much more experienced than she and Arjun. That business of jamming Zoe into the airlock and blasting her into the Sun over with, Emma and Arjun then start talking about how they all have to make sure the artists are willing to negotiate and give leeway on their list price whilst Zoe’s all
THERE IS NO NEGOTIATION IN ART! CAPITALIST PIG-DOGS! PATOOIE! In the end she grants that they should make sure to know the artist’s position on negotiability before they sign on the dotted line, but exhorts the other two not to be “too business-like”. Shouldn’t be a problem. We then careen directly on into the area of “exclusivity”, with Emma stating that she wants a really exclusive artist who doesn’t just churn out a painting a day.
Zoe of course disagrees, citing the example of Jackson Pollock who apparently “makes, like, hundreds of paintings every night” (erm…not for a while he hasn’t), and then Emma bats back “Leonardo”, like she’s on first names terms with him, who apparently did very few paintings (which is debatable I guess, because Leonardo made very few WORKS, but he made hundreds of sketches, all of which are in…actually why am I getting drawn into this bitch-fest? It’s not about art knowledge, it’s about Emma and Zoe doing some female-equivalent dick-measuring. Let’s just move on shall we?).
From there, we move to Zoe interviewing that she wishes that she could have been Project Manager, but she’s glad that Emma has recognised her genius, and hopes that she knows how to use that to her advantage. Back in the room, Emma wants Zoe to assure her that everything is fine and I don’t know if it’s revealing or just Zoe’s ever more out of control face that see her move from this :
to this
in a matter of seconds.
Everyone takes to the Apprenticars, with Emma and Arjun immediately bitching it up about how Zoe won’t back down once she’s got a bone between her teeth, and that is proving quite the problem with them. Although Emma has been with her since task 1, so I’m expecting Stockholm Syndrome to kick in any day now. Helpful Voice Over Man kicks in at this juncture to tell us that if two teams end up selecting the same artist, the artist will decide who to go for, which brings back happy memories for me of Saira Khan kicking off because her chosen negotiation method of telling the artist that her favourite colour was aquamarine hadn’t paid off, screaming about how this was all because Miriam had a pony or some crap like that.
First stop for Zoe is Mark Melvin, who specialises in busted up mirrors
and big glowing aphorisms like this :
He explains to Zoe that one of his works (which looks a bit like a neon spewing toothpaste tube) is about stuttering and not being able to get your words out, which obviously a concept that horrifies Zoe to her very soul. She pools out her backstory to him, and she’s now gained a brother who’s a professional artist, and Mark Melvin seems kind of intimidated and scared and ready to start on that stutter he had susbsumed via his art-work all over again.
Meanwhile, Tim and Hannah Cherry are arriving at the studios of photographer Andy Taylor Smith, with Hannah Cherry helpfully suggesting on the way in that they should ask lots of questions about his paintings. Oh Hannah Cherry. Andy Taylor Smith welcomes Tim and Hannah warmly, to his studio where he apparently
makes My Motivation Is posters without the actual motivational parts. To be fair, those are the worst bits. Hannah Cherry lows that she really likes the finish on the photos, causing Andy to waffle on a load of guff about how the photos represent him going out into the environment and connecting with it, by, like wanking up a tree or something. Tim taps Hannah Cherry, to remind her to take lots of notes, before
interviewing outside in a real voice-cracking teenage voiced moment (actually his first probably) that Hannah Cherry is like, his secretary, (*laughs*) whilst he and Andy have a proper chat about the art. Hannah Cherry then interviews that she would have liked a more talkative role, but she was just glad to be helping Tim. Tim meanwhile is rather tragically trying to sound like he knows what he’s talking about, prompting the artist to
give him the proper eyeball. I get the impression that when Hannah Cherry first watched this segment back she pretty much ASSAULTED that big tub of praline & cream Haagen Dazs yes no?
Meanwhile, Kirsty is heading off to her artists, still spouting about how she doesn’t like Art, and how she never did well in Art at school, and really, you know how people are with people who say “I don’t do politics?”. I’m like that with people who say “I don’t like art”. Because seriously? None of it? Anyway, I’m sure she is about to have all her prejudices confirmed by meeting this nutter :
name of Jessica Layton (you know…she says) who does art what is like this :
Which seems normal enough until she tells you that it’s her doing housesitting for people, then hiring for photographers to take pictures of her wearing the house-owners clothes (/skin) whilst sitting with their pets.
She looks quite like Helene in that one doesn’t she? Kirsty’s all “o….KAY” then removes herself from the scene pretty sharpish. In Jessica Layton’s defence I don’t actually mind her art, in a ############## sort of setting but
a) It’s not coming within 500 yards of my house
b) look at what programme you’re on, realise that you’re the designated creepy weirdy one, and then compensate accordingly, say not by giving interviews where you’re bewildered that the child wanted to run away from your gingerbread house.
As Kirsty speeds away, she rings Tim to convey the details of her encounter.
Yeah, pretty much that really. Everyone has a good guffaw about how Jessica Layton has “problem and issues and is a criminal” (Tim) and is “Menn-uw” (Hannah Cherry) and then they all move on to the next mark.
Emma and Arjun meanwhile are viewing the one piece of art from the whole episode that I actually like :
feel free to judge me, and judge me hard. Unfortunately it is called “Cupid Supernova” (*barfs up a hammer*) but you can’t have everything can you? It’s by Sarah-Kate Wilson, and to be honest, all her other work is pretty ugly, but hey, if anyone out there is willing to compensate me for my recapping time by buying that work (just saying…). Sarah-Kate waxes effusive about how joyful and uplifting her work is, whilst Emma and Arjun hover around gloomily like American Gothic, and then pull some questions out of Emma’s handbag. They’re all about price (up to £4000) and how many she sells in a year (2 or 3) and just how subtle Arjun thinks he’s being
(a lot more than he actually is). They both squeak at Sarah-Kate how much they like her work, and how much of her work they like, but as soon as they’re out the door they dismiss her out of hand as not selling enough and being too expensive to be really viable for them. Arjun then pushes Emma towards going for volume sales, which is all kind of at odds with Emma’s previous “we want to be as exclusive as possible” spiel although yeah, like that was ever about anything other than cat-fighting with Zoe.
Speaking of Mme Plummer, she has arrived at the studios of urban artist Tom Lewis, and she is enthusing about his work and the “brightness of the pink against the darkness of the skulls”.
He tells her in return that the cheapest items (prints) go for £60, with the scale going upwards with the larger, original pieces. This piques Zoe’s interest, and she rolls out her artist credentials, steamrollering over Tom Lewis, who affects to have none, because he is just so urban. This causes Kaen to whirr into life all
“Zoe’s parents are ARTISTS? I really must pay more attention”. Zoe caps the deal with her patented
Manic Mailman handshake with a cursory mention of the possibility of negotiating with the general air of “but as a true artist I’m sure you’re not interested” about her inquiries, which Tom Lewis responds to as required. A point which is then picked up on by Kaen, now that she’s awake. As she leaves she interviews that she doesn’t like the work at all, but she thinks it could make good commercial sense. I really think on rewatching that Zoe absolutely kills everyone else for this first part of the task. It’s just a shame what follows is all…
Anyway, Tim and Hannah Cherry are currently interviewing Hannah-Kate Wilson. Or at least Tim is. Hannah is
writing out her name in big loopy letters on her pad with little stars and smilie faces next to them. I love Hannah Cherry. Tim talks a load of waffle about how the light is holding the darkness back and whatever, before even the artist gets a bit bored and lays out her pricing structure to him. Back in the car afterwards, Tim asks Hannah Cherry to read back to him the conversation he just had, and then Hannah Cherry does so, before Tim interviews that he thinks Hannah Cherry would make a really good assistant to a big boss…”like myself”.
And he’s copped a lot of flack for saying that but…she is his assistant on this task, and he is the boss, and she did contrive to put herself into that position, and he wasn’t gender-specific, so even a PC thug like myself can’t really get the misogyny jet to take off there.
Next up, Kirsty meets Tom Lewis. How will she respond to Zoe’s stirling schmoozing efforts. If you said “by looking at the art as though it’s made of fecal matter, only talking out the price, then huffing out the place like she’s about to file a lawsuit against Tom Lewis for ######ual harassment” then congratulations, you are right. I mean, she actually says “I’m not big on art” and she might as well have just broken a canvas over her actual head and run round shouting “I AM A PAINTING! I AM A PAINTING!” at that point. Nick naturally is
not impressed. Because if Nick has one skill-set, it’s making people think he likes them and is interested in them.
Once out of Tom Lewis’ den, she phones Tim and Hannah Cherry using one of those
electric razors that are apparently doubling as phones this series, to tell them that she did alright schmoozing the artists, particularly that last one. THAT was schmoozing? I can suddenly understand why Lordalan is always on about not liking them.
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Helpful Voiceover Man tells us that each team gets a ############## in one of London’s most artistic (/pretentious) spots. For Revolution, a shop on upscale Pall Mall (Pink on Monopoly) – for Instinct, urban, creative, multicultural Brick Lane (not even ON Monopoly board it is so modern and edgy and funky yeah?). All artists seen (I wonder who that unseen sixth artist was. I bet it was that Jackson Pollocks, but he was too busy throwing paint everywhere at high speeds FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE for the ########## eye to see him), the teams now return to neutral territories to mull over their choices.
Revolution first, discussing Tom Lewis. Zoe enthuses about his huge fan-base and the fact that he’s sold loads recently. Emma asks “how many?” trying to make Zoe look stupid for not having asked, and Zoe replies “it doesn’t matter this is a whole new body of work”, trying to make Emma look stupid for asking her. I swear, I haven’t seen so many passive-aggressive attempts to trip someone up since I went to that librarians Judo tournament. Meanwhile Hannah Cherry is praising Sarah-Kate, telling her team that they have to go for her, because she’s such a nice person (*face-palm*) in a side-by-side with Zoe telling her team to dismiss her because it just doesn’t work commercially. We finish on a shot of Kirsty telling her team that it’d be stupid NOT to go for a certain option, but given that they’re in a diner, it may well be the Oklahoma Belly-Buster Burger.
IT’S GOT DILL PICKLES IN IT AND EVERYTHING!
Decisions made, the teams convene with Nick and Kaen. Instinct have decided on Sarah-Kate Wilson and Tom Lewis, whilst Revolution have plumped for Mark Melvin and Tom Lewis. Nick informs both teams that they’re just going to have to hope they suitably impressed Tom Lewis in their meeting, and Zoe looks
momentarily concerned. I wouldn’t worry Zoe, short of you kicking him in the bollocks off-camera, I think you’ve probably got this one won.
And she has,lisseur Styler GHD, with Tom Lewis decisively picking her because she engaged with the artwork more, so he’s more convinced she’ll be able to sell it. Kirsty’s all “shit, there was ARTWORK in there?”. I thought they were just left-over animation frames from Phoo Action. Instinct are then asked who their back-up choice is, and they indicate Andy Taylor Smith, although Hannah Cherry looks mildly disappointed
as she only gave him 8 out of 10, and only drew three smillie faces on his sheet of note-paper.
Immediately afterwards outside Kirsty is justifying herself, saying that of all her three artists he was the one she was nicest to (did you put the brick through ALL of the other artists windows afterwards not just their front door one?) and also she didn’t have the “I’m from an artist family” card to play. I think the “even vaguely interested” card might have helped to be honest. Also, did she mention that she doesn’t even like art, because she DOESN’T.
Evening draws near, and Team Instinct gets on the phone to try to draw in viewers for the next day. Tim speaks a load of old waffle to a woman who makes a vague promise that someone else will attend, prompting Hannah Cherry to immediately be all “if he buys 3 or 4 then we have totally won the task OMG!” Tim tells her to calm down, and then she gets on his case for harshing her buzz. This culminates in her saying “YOU ANGER ME!” and she so is my favourite at this point and therefore is doomed.
Meanwhile, Revolution are
doing sod all, except possibly drawing their feelings at Zoe’s behest. Emma makes the bold suggestion that they ring everyone possible and try and get the most possible sales, but Zoe refuses to ring anybody until she’s prepared herself properly. Emma and Arjun then retreat to
presumably slag Zoe off, and then Arjun gives an interview complaining that Zoe is being a pain in the arse, as per usual, and Emma isn’t managing her at all effectively. I do hope he’s a good PM next week, because he’s actually been in the process of writing cheques his ass is going to have to carry for a few tasks now, in his own quiet way. Of course, once Zoe gets on the phone she suddenly finds the perfect game she’s been batting all episode start to go to pot, as most of the people she phones have already capitulated to Ti’s eager, hasty, comparatively lacking in foreplay plans, and are going to his exhibition instead. Zoe is naturally
not impressed.
Kaen interviews that the team really have been too slow to get going, and then Zoe suggests they ring Stewart Evans (Emma : ring everyone) because he was a juror for the Turner Prize (Emma – Great, ring him then) and so he would know a lot about art (Emma : great-are you ringing him yet?). Emma, I swear you would get a much better job out of her if you just let her show off a bit more. She’s clearly dying to.
Meanwhile, Tim is hitting up Ben Abrahams, bar-owner and entrepreneur
who is in the market for art-pieces to go on his walls. For some reason, Tim still thinks he’s talking to an art person, waffling about how the light is really going to bring out the sparkly in the paintings, whilst Ben Abrahams is clearly thinking “great – are there any with birds with their tits out on motorcycles?”. Still, this seems to be a genuinely good idea on Tim’s part so well done him.
Next day now, and the teams set up their ##################. Emma and Arjun are on painting manoeuvring/muttering about what Zoe’s going to say next duty :
for Revolution, whilst Zoe herself is hitting the phones again,édition Limitée ghd, and hauling people out of bed to do so.
ART NEVER SLEEPS! Tim also is ringing round, with Kirsty and Hannah Cherry setting up the paintings
in the greatest comically size mis-matched duo since The Two Ronnies. Or at least Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum. Hannah Cherry is a bit worried that the people of Brick Lane might be not classy enough to afford her art-works, and generally muddles around in a slightly baffled state whilst Kirsty does all the thinking. Indeed, Kirsty interviews that Hannah Cherry is “underperforming” and basically just following her around refusing to take any initiative herself.
Tim returns from his phone duties at this point, and he and Kirsty decide that the best use for their golem (/Hannah Cherry) at this point is to send it out distributing leaflets. And so she does.
Hannah Cherry hits up some cafes and bars, leaving leaflets behind her as she goes, whilst Tim and Kirsty basically call her a prevaricator and a follower. Poor Hannah Cherry.
Meanwhile, over on Revolution, with half an hour to go before doors open, Mark Melvin has arrived and he is NOT HAPPY,
because Emma and Arjun have put up his pictures ALL WRONG. He tramps around the store with Zoe in tow, righting mirrors and re-orientating paintings and wiping off dust generally being hilariously mildly ticked off. He’s no Elizabeth Goff, but he’ll do. Once he’s finished kvetching, Emma and Zoe and Arjun all run around pricing items up and wiping things down, but everything is ready in time for the doors to open. Unlike
Tim’s team, where nothing’s really ready, and Sarah-Kate is having to offer a helping hand. And can I re-iterate that it was that ONE painting that I liked ok? At least Hannah Cherry can feel slightly vindicated in pushing for a nice artist now, as she’s really being very good humoured about the whole thing. Andy Taylor Smith on the other hand is getting a little antsy and more direct in telling Instinct to get a flipping move on, probably because of the two, he knows he’s got scope to sell things. I think Sarah-Kate’s just happy to get out of the house by the looks of it. Tim and Hannah Cherry mill around a bit, and Kirsty is hilariously brusque with the artists some more, and very little gets done.
Over on Revolution, both Emma and Arjun circulate the room trying to make sales, whilst Zoe still seems stuck on
schmoozing with the artists. Not that I don’t like her commitment to long-term care (or indeed any care at all KIRSTY) but I think even Mark Melvin is a little bored of all the attention by now Zoe. Eventually she gets around to trying to off-load some of the art, as Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that she didn’t get the right to negotiate, so she can’t. She and some doofus get into the old “will you take one”, “well I’ll take one, but I won’t pay for one HO HO!” shuffle and whilst
this face is a little immature, I personally would have taken his eye out with that pen, so I can’t judge. The cheaper frames immediately start to move, with Emma selling one for £60, and Zoe offloading one to some poor child
for £120. Minus therapy bills.
At the same time, Brick Lane outside Instinct’s ############## is heaving but inside, nothing is moving
Not even the mini-quiches. And when mini-quiches go unmanged, you KNOW you’ve got problems. Hannah Cherry gets her awkward over some poor girl looking at Andy’s photos, mooing that blue is her favourite colour and she just loves looking at the paintings. However, some guys are actively running away from Tim’s attempts to be charming, so she’s one up on him. And on Kirsty who is
in the process of trying to make herself as small as possible. I think nature beat you to that one Kirsty. Certainly the general impression is that people are more interested in Andy’s photo’s than Sarah-Kate’s scribble things at any rate.
5pm rolls around, and Zoe’s high-end contacts have started rolling in. She takes this opportunity to warn off Emma and Arjun from approaching them, telling them that they’re just the sort of people you have to leave alone you know? Marvellously, she says this to Arjun
as he is dealing with another client. He tells her to back off via the medium of physically brushing her away. I would imagine that is the only language Zoe understand sometimes. She then officially busts the needle on my Patronise-o-meter by telling Emma that she thinks she’s doing a really good job. (*silent*…considering*silent*)
We then get a brief montage of Zoe inserting herself into various sales in order to talk, like, PROPER art with clients, rather than
staring off into the distance thinking about spaghetti hoops or whatever it is Emma’s doing here. I can feel her annoyance at watching other people less versed in her specialist subject than her trying to hold forth on it, but she’s being horribly tin-eared about it, and then I remember how she basically pimp-slapped Hibah in task 1 when she did the same thing to her so…turnabouts fair play. Emma then interviews, apparently coming down with a bit of whatever dread disease Adam had, because she’s wheezing like a pirate, that Zoe keeps on ram-raiding her sales and clearly sees herself as above everybody else, and then Arjun gives one to similar effect. The sad thing is that I think she genuinely believes she’s helping.
At this point over on Instinct, Tim’s big guns have arrived, and by “big guns” I mean
this loon, who has got Tim backed into a corner, with him playing a game of “hide the sweat patches”, rattling on about art, chowing down on mini-quiches, and on the verge of offering to introduce him to her grand-daughter. As we come in, she’s dissing Sarah-Kate, saying that she is in the business of buying artists brains, and if Sarah Kate’s mind is as messy as her work, then loon doesn’t want HER STUPID BRAIN! SHE’LL TAKE A KIDNEY AT BEST! NOW WRAP THAT UP YOUNG MAN! Tim quickly excuses himself a benign side-interview about how they’ve not sold anything yet, whilst the loon
glowers some more at Sarah-Kate’s work, whilst Sarah-Kate hides behind whatever curtain Kirsty is stowing herself behind at the moment. Tim then retreats to the basement to call up Ben The Bar Owner to see if he’s still coming (/get a crucifix and some holy water, just in case). He is by the way. Still coming.
Back upstairs and Kirsty and Hannah Cherry are both getting their sales on to relatively normal looking people, whilst Tim is, still pinned down by the eternally babbling Countess of Loon here. Hannah Cherry closes her sale, while Tim gets buried under a wealth of bragging about how Loony-Pants is an ART DEALER so she should blatantly get a 30% discount on Andy Taylor Smith’s photos . Tim informs her that Andy has already said that he will only go down as far as a 10% discount and then the loon
does cow-eyes or flirts or glowers or patronises or is disbelieving or…SOMETHING. I love how she has steadily stripped off as this segment has gone on. Just adds to the air of…well…loon. She shakes her head at Tim’s attempt to suggest a greater discount for multiple purchases, and name-drops all over the place about how she sells for David Hockney and Damien Hirst so she is well amazing and deserves a discount. Tim retreats to Andy, telling him that the Loon sells paintings for Damien Hirst and “Anthony Hopkins” (bless), so would he be interested, and Andy agrees
as the loon devours her 15th mini-quiche(/Hannah Cherry’s brain). He blatantly did that because everyone else on Brick Lane was refusing to enter until they’d got a rabies shot. Oh and to top it all off
loon has a two-handed handshake. Always the mark of mental stability.
Meanwhile, over on Revolution, Zoe is “turning on the hard sell”. Oh good. Basically this consists of her continuing to pal around with the artists, whilst telling the customers to “get intimate” with the work. Tom Lewis looks ECSTATIC about this.
You can just tell. I’m just glad the loon isn’t there because…you know she would.
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Arjun meanwhile is selling one of Tom’s highest priced items, without telling people to ######## it. Sometimes the old fashioned methods are the best. Zoe meanwhile is off-loading one of Mark Melvin’s marvellous muddied mirrors which she does with her trademarked
weird handshake. I feel distinctly ROBBED we did not get to see Zoe meet the loon. ROBBED.
Over at Tim Ankers Discount Art Warehouse, prices are being SLASHED SLASHED SLASHED! We see Hannah Cherry close another deal, and are informed that Andy Taylor Smith’s photos are moving, but Sarah-Kate’s abstract works are faring less well, even though Hannah Cherry gave them a 9 out of 10. Tim directs Hannah Cherry to go push Sarah-Kate’s work, whilst Kirsty just
glowers over their shoulders doing very little. Then as if Kirsty’s adventures in art couldn’t get any more onerous, she appears to encounter
Henry Conway. Good grief, after a day like this I think I’D hate art.
Needless to say, nothing is doing with any of Sarah-Kate’s works, not even the good one, but then who should turn up to save the day?
Ben the bar owner! With 5 minutes to spare.
Thanks Kirsty. Rather tragically for Tim, Andy basically handles the whole sale from start to finish, including a rather tragic incident where Tim goes to shake Ben’s hand and he gets utterly ignored, although they do sell £1000 worth of art, so I’m not sure he cares.
And that is that. Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that the teams have between them sold over £8000 worth of art. Zoe interviews that there were no arguments or rifts in the team, so they will be going into the Boardroom as a united front, and no-one will turn on her at all no sir. Meanwhile,
Hannah Cherry gets what she came for. And really, who can ask for more than that? Tim interviews that he hopes he’s done enough to stay out of the boardroom. Ah well.
RESULTS TIME!
The children are ushered into the boardroom by Cousin It, and Lordalan follows, after haranguing three cameramen, a production assistant, and a toilet attendant at length about how he don’t know nuffing about art. I kind of feel like, with the loon, the art tasks have peaked now. I hope the next iteration of this task involves fashion designers. Or models. Or some other facet of the world of the pretentious.
Of course having entered he then makes sure the kids are also fully aware that he don’t know nuffing about art, and seriously, change the record already. Indeed the only pictures he likes have the Queen’s head on and £50 in the corner. Is this aggressive capitalist philistinism part of the 80s revival I’ve been hearing so much about? I feel like he’s about to start yelling “LOADSAMAHNAYYYY!” at me or something.
Instinct are first for a grilling, and Tim gets a very good response to “good team leadah?”. His first question is to ask how the team decided which artists to go for, and before Hannah Cherry can blurt out her complicated system of scores out of ten and stick-on love hearts, Tim says that they deliberately set out to find a contemporary artist, because Brick Lane is such a contemporary venue. Lordalan then moves on to how Instinct lost their choice of artist to Revolution, and asks Kirsty how she feels about that personally.
Kirsty naturally blames it on her lack of artist credentials, like what
Zoe has, and she feels she gave a strong pitch
, but in the end she thinks the artist did what was best for him. Seriously, she just said “the artist was right not to pick us”. In the adult series I would hope that would get her fired on the spot. Tim breaks in to correct Kirsty, saying that of course he made the wrong decision, and they could have sold his art better, a claim which makes Zoe burst out laughing
and seriously, not even I am defending that one.
The positive point of Instinct managing to get their artists to trust them enough to give them the option of offering a discount is then raised, with Lordalan flicking his eyes sideways at Emma the whole time, who refuses to react. The issue of schmoozing and the art world is raised, and Tim runs through the tired old required script of how he is JUST LIKE LORDALAN in that he doesn’t really get art, but gosh darn it he tried his hardest anyway.
Emma’s turn to face “good team leadah?” now, and she also gets a positive response, albeit a slightly more subdued one. The question of how they wooed Tom Lewis arises next, with Zoe giving it some
terrifying face about how she really connected with him, and expressed her passion for his work, and really convinced him that they(/she) could sell it. She’s then asked if he offered a discount, and Zoe says that he absolutely didn’t and that the prices offered were as low as he was prepared to go. And she pushed SO HARD for one as well. Emma butts in at this point to passive-aggressively say that Zoe though it’d be silly to ask for a discount, as ART BUYERS DON’T NEGOTIATE, but she thought it’d be a good idea, you know, just in case.
Lordalan
absorbs this information, and Arjun points out that he and Emma, managed to get offers of a discount of 10% from all the artists they chose, as did the other team, not that he’s saying anything, no sir. Zoe reassures Lordalan that she really couldn’t get her artists to go any lower, and she’s so lucky that Kaen was following her team (and is currently asleep), because if it had been Nick no WAY would he resist the opportunity to interject for a good old sniff’n'sneer. Lordalan then asks Emma and Arjun to bitch about what a bossy old boot Zoe is which they
do, at length, whilst Zoe’s eyelids flutter around like a butterflies having a stroke. Emma accuses Zoe of not being a team player, and only being out for herself and
ooh, let me get some popcorn quick.
NUMBERS TIME!
Revolution sold 12 pieces of art, for a total of £6005
Instinct sold 5 pieces of art, for a total of £2247
VIVA LA REVOLUTION! They now (in all their various iterations) have a 3-1 lead, and so can’t be caught. Their reward is to meet with a tailor, who will make them all suits that will actually fit, damnit. He’s called Timothy Everest and he’s made clothes for The Rolling Stones and Tom Cruise. And he will be “bespoking” a suit for each member of the winning team.
Did Arjun think they were just going to sit around and discuss whether Tom Cruise is…you know..that short? As they leave, the scenes in the lobby are
as heart-warming as you might expect. Instinct are sent away after them, and Kaen and Lordalan both sit around and discuss for Arjun pulled in almost half his team’s sales with one sale alone. I kind of simultaneously hope that Arjun wins the whole show and is also the worst Project Manager in the history of the show next week, and I’m kind of sad that both can’t happen. Probably.
Reward time now, and all three members of the Revolution get poured into their suits.
Mr Everest talks a load of fashion to Arjun, who just nods along to every suggestion, slightly bewildered but trying to sound on top of the situation. Emma then interviews outside that Zoe seemed upset at some of the things said in the boardroom, and Arjun says that he doesn’t really see Zoe as major competition, but thinks they can still be friends. Yeah, you wait and see what she’s written in Tipp-Ex on the back of your new suits. There’ll be no “friends” after that.
Tim and co meanwhile are arriving at Losers Prison/Cafe
to mull over their defeat. Tim asks what his team thinks they did right and what they think they did wrong, and Kirsty’s still under the impression that everything went absolutely fine and they did everything perfectly. Meanwhile Hannah Cherry takes the opportunity to pop outside and interview that it was all Kirsty’s fault, because, like Hannah Cherry saw her yawning sometimes and not selling and stuff. She comes back to find Kirsty still in the room yammering about how they made £2000, so they should just say that, and none of them will get fired and they can all be FRIENDS FOREVER. Tim brings up the unfortunate fact that they chose an artist who sells 3 pieces a year, but then waves that trifle away as just being bad luck that they didn’t get the random lucky buyer who would come in and buy one of her pieces.
I mean they still would have lost, but…less so?
BOARDROOM TIME!
The kids enter, and we learn that the show’s budget is on the verge of running out completely,ghd Straighteners, as Kirsty has been given a
miniature flower-vase to drink out of. Lordalan opens by asking why the team’s sales were so low, and Tim replies that it was just because they didn’t get the right sort of people coming through the door. Lordalan asks how they might then have gone about remedying this situation, and Nick points out that Brick Lane is not exactly hurting for people who’d pop their heads through the door if only to get their faces on camera.
Lordalan then takes the team by the collective hand and tells them that their failure was all down to not getting Tom Lewis, as his pieces formed 11 of the 12 sold by the other team, and also he would have preferred to sell in Brick Lane as it fit his client base better than Pall Mall
So how does Tim like them apples? Tim’s all “we all thought that too!”, apart from Kirsty, who apparently thought the guy should go with Zoe, and who was the one who dealt with him. Lordalan asks why Little Miss Sunshine there was sent to schmooze the art dealers. Tim says that he thought that Kirsty would do a really good job, to which Nick responds with his first hand experience of Kirsty spending her time with the artist talking solely about margins and wiping her bogies on the art work.
Hannah Cherry pipes in very earnestly and stupidly at this point to claim the idea of sending Kirsty off her on her as hers, because Kirsty is just stronger on her own than Hannah Cherry is. I mean there’s honesty, and then there’s taking a bullet unnecessarily. Lordalan,
looks unimpressed and asks Hannah Cherry why she spends all her time wandering around clinging to “Big Tim” looking doe-eyed and not concentrating much.
OOH OOH! I KNOW! ASK ME!
Hannah Cherry’s all “I NEVER!” and says that once she got going on the second day she took her stabilisers off and made it to the other side of the park completely without Tim, handing out flyers and selling paintings and stuff. Lordalan then unveiles the revelation that Tim spent most of the day referring to Hannah Cherry as his secretary, and then Hannah Cherry gets very het up and brittle and insists that she DID ask different questions and DID tell the artists what she thought of their paintings. I don’t think “this one is pretty and I like your hair and you smell nice and I ATE THE PIGS EARS!” really counts Hannah Cherry.
Tim is moved to next, and Lordalan brings up how his application form says that the only thing he finds intimidating is failure. That and alopecia. Lordalan then suggests that maybe Tim should be intimidated by the prospect of his impending firing, as this whole thing went tits skyward because they lost Tom Lewis, and he holds Tim responsible for that as well as Kirsty. Tim’s tack is to…apologise for being so rubbish, at which point Kirsty breaks in to say that she told Tim that was really rude and socially inept, so it’s his fault she was sent off to schmooze. Tim’s all “you said you schmoozed him” and Kirsty’s all “I said a little bit” and Tim’s all “you never” and we are wheels within wheels here.
Kirsty is then asked who is responsible for the task failure and should go home, and Kirsty singles out Hannah Cherry, prompting Hannah Cherry to
lead with her chin, and suddenly give good boardroom for the first time in her stay, by saying that Kirsty only sold the same as her despite her supposed expertise, and didn’t put any effort in. Kirsty bats back that she was on her own, so it was much harder for her, and she thinks that she showed real guts going into a field she knew nothing about all on her own.
Sometimes you forget these kids are just 16 and 17.
Candidates go out, Lordalan calls them all PISS-ARTISTS THAT’S THE SORT OF ARTISTS THEY ARE HURR HURR FUNNY, candidates come back in.
Lordalan starts by saying that there’s no point going on about this task any more – he’s got to look at the candidates contributions over the whole of the process so far. Oh good. This always lasts about five seconds.
Tim is asked to beg next (/tell Lordalan why it shouldn’t be “Ankers away”…) and Tim responds by saying that he led this task really well, and his secretaries here agreed he did really well, and he adapted brilliantly and eloquently to a world he wasn’t familiar with without complaining too much (KIRSTY!). Lordalan then does exactly what he JUST SAID he wasn’t going to do, and rakes over the task again to try to get Tim to admit he made mistakes vis a vis Tom Lewis, but Tim palms all those off on Kirsty.
Brilliantly, Tim starts to complain that he had to make all the important decisions, then realises how that sound re this whole “shirker” label he’s been landed with, so immediately backtracks with “…and as PM that is only right”, before going on to complain that it felt like he was doing everything, which Hannah Cherry neatly counters by saying that he should have maybe delegated some more roles to her other than making tea and looking pretty in a skirt.
Hannah Cherry is then asked to beg, and she slides back into Boardroom poverty, saying “potential” over and over again and talking about her academic qualifications, before pulling it back a little with a round of Kirsty blaming, and Kirsty follows next with the amazing line of argument that she keeps on losing, but she’s always managed to dodge the blame.
Let’s just move on shall we?
Firing time now, and after our designated fire-teasing (of Tim, for making a whole wealth of incorrect decisions), it’s
who meets the boot head on, because whilst she’s incredibly bright and academically succesful, she’s just not got the practical skills to make it on her own as a businesswoman yet. Which is totally fair enough, and I think that if she’d had a different accent and a more elegant way of expressing herself, people might have cottoned onto that a bit sooner than they did. She doesn’t get a “with regret” but she does get a business-card,
which is really the next best thing now that Jordan devalued the “with regret” forever. She thanks everyone for the opportunity, naturally, and closes with a “you guys are amazing” like she’s on Over The Rainbow or something.
Damn you Adrian Chiles! If you hadn’t run off to ITV we’d know what her invention is by now!
Back in Apprentice Victorian Doll House Mansions, Arjun swigs down another glass of coke
and ponders how he’d cope if Tim left, as he’s the only one left with a penis (/keeping him sane), like some sort of weary alcoholic cowboy. Emma and Zoe giggle all “oh, thank you so much!”,
before Zoe starts pontificating about how Lordalan might just see Tim as someone people like and find easy to work with, rather than a solid business person. Of course then Tim and Kirsty arrive back, and she claims that she knew he’d be safe all along.
But of course. Everyone toasts to being in the Final Five, and we are OUT OF HERE, until this week’s run of 2hrs worth of Junior Apprentice, because this show is on a mission to kill me dead.
Next week :
Everyone else flees the country, leaving Zoe as the winner. The end.
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