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Paris isn't in Rwanda by Larry Alexander
I want to thank Paris Hilton, President Bush, Jackie Bibby, CNN and Michelle the Flying Cow. They helped make this week's column possible.

A funny thing happened to Paris Hilton on her way to Rwanda. She decided to go shopping instead.

You might recall that Hilton, after being jailed following a DUI arrest, claimed the experience had changed her life and that she was going to travel to Africa to do good works. Well, last week, she stopped at Tokyo's posh Omotesando shopping district, where she found, "The shopping is great."

So I guess the African poor will have to wait for Hilton's help, at least until they build Rwandan branches of Bijan (socks starting at $50 a pair, suits up to $15,000),on sale Madeleine PM, Louis Vuitton and Saks Fifth Avenue.

It was discovered recently that some items at Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in California were missing. Say, about 80,online stores Vuitton N51204,000 out of a collection of 100,000.

Wow! Missing presidential documents! Sounds like the Richard M. Nixon Library.

In news from Washington,real Vuitton Louis, the national debt has hit $9 trillion.

Boy,real Madeleine Black, aren't you glad Bush is a Republican and not one of those spend-spend-spend Democrats conservatives are always warning us about?

One reason for the debt load is the fight against terrorism. I don't know about you, but I am less terrified of al-Qaida than of a $9 trillion national debt.

Elsewhere on Capitol Hill, as Congress debates rules for eavesdropping,sale online PM M91622, Donald Kerr, deputy director of national intelligence, told legislators Americans will have to change their definition of privacy. Thank God someone in this administration has finally come out and said it. Freedom in America will be defined by the government. (That distant chuckle you hear is Adolf Hitler.)

In Texas, Jackie Bibby broke his own Guinness world record by sitting for 45 minutes in a plastic tub with 87 rattlesnakes. This act of courage and fortitude begs the question, "Is this guy nuts or something?"

A recent CNN headline proclaimed "Paul McCartney spied with another woman." Is this news? Why not just print "Paul McCartney is a confirmed hetero######ual." Now, if CNN reported "McCartney spied with another man" or "McCartney spied with a barnyard animal,on sale Louis Vuitton," that would be news.

Last week, a plane carrying presidential candidate Barack Obama got lost over Iowa and landed at the wrong airport.

Well,outlet sale Louis Vuitton, duh! I've been to Iowa, and no matter what direction you peer, it all looks the same - incredibly flat.

In Washington state, a cow fell from the sky and onto a minivan. Now, cows are not known for their aerodynamics. No one,outlets Louis Vuitton, when purchasing a bovine,online sale Louis Vuitton, says,outlet sale Louis Vitton, "She seems fit and sturdy. How does she fly?"

So it's assumed the cow, a heifer named Michelle, fell from a cliff, but I wonder. I've seen "An Inconvenient Truth," and maybe Al Gore is right. It used to rain just cats and dogs, remember? Raining cows could be a new weather trend created by global warming. If so, we will soon need much sturdier umbrellas.

Speaking of animals being where they don't belong, in Hawaii fishermen a mile out to sea landed a 40-pound pig. No one knows how the pig, which had no name, got there, but I think it was just seeking a place to cool down because of - yes - global warming.

E-mail: lalexander@lnpnews.com